Let that baby cry

I don't know about you, but I go through things
I don't know about you, but I fall a lot
I don't know about y'all, but we fight sometimes
I don't know about y'all, but that's life sometimes
Yeah, that's life sometimes

from “Deadstock” by Mick Jenkins + EMIL

‍

How you keep yourself from cracking
It's not easy, need to practice
Night time, day, don't let it
Get the best of you, girl

from “Cracking” by Crumb

‍

I still have my tan from Cancun as I glance over the layoff notice from my job sitting in my email. It’s my friend’s birthday, though, so I close my email, tuck my phone away, and lock in for dinner. I leave my sudden loss of employment as a to-do item for next week and commit to living my life as it is right now, today. So instead of grieving a loss, I celebrate a life. I try to be in the moment.

‍

But when I get home. When it’s just me. When I slow down long enough to see my feelings for what they are, I challenge myself to do so neutrally, fully, and objectively.

‍

I’m disappointed and encouraged. And the previous times I’ve experienced loss – professional or otherwise – I’ve simply failed to acknowledge my disappointment.

‍

You know how when a baby falls, it looks to the folks around it to determine how to react? I feel like I’ve been babying my inner child; if we fall and I don’t cry, she won’t cry either. So I avoid fully experiencing disappointment at all in an effort to keep inner baby Thalia calm.

‍

But sometimes you gotta let that baby cry.

‍

I’m disappointed because dang, y’all. Ya girl is TIRED. I wanna keep a content design job for a year so bad and I’ve been trying to keep it cute and optimistic, which is cool and all, but I don’t think I’ve been real with anybody. I ain’t been real with myself and that’s the problem. But friend, I am weary. I may look alright, but don’t get it twisted, the many twists and turns of my short career have been wearing your girl out, okay? Having a new job every 6-8 months FOR FOUR YEARS? New team after new team, new manager after new manager. How am I supposed to grow like that? How am I supposed to develop as a professional in those kind of circumstances? How is this setting me up for success, let’s be fr!!!!

‍

And I’m encouraged. Because I know I’m going to grow and have been growing anyway. I know I’m going to develop anyway. I know I’m going to be successful anyway. In spite of. I know we’re sick and tired of having to be resilient all the time and all I want is ease for me and mine and you and yours. But, as Mick said, I don’t know about you, but I fall A LOT. And, by the grace of God, I get back up every single time.

‍

I’m disappointed that I’m in this circumstance and encouraged that this trouble won’t last always. But for a long time I was incapable of seeing both of those at the same time.

‍

I always thought I had to be the strong friend, the brave friend, the fearless friend. What Bone Crusher say? I ain’t never scared, right?

‍

But what I wasn’t considering is that being strong, brave, and fearless doesn’t mean you can’t ever feel weak or afraid. And what’s actually brave is being vulnerable with the people you love about what you’re going through. The bravery and strength I sought could only be found in being honest about my fear, pain, and weakness.

‍

So instead of seeing my layoff – or a friendship breakup or a romantic breakup or a failed dinner party or the death of a loved one – as either good or bad. I can practice seeing them as what they are, removing the label, and noticing all the emotions that I experience from it, instead of just the ones that match the way I want to present.

‍

All I know is that I ain’t got no business pretending. If I am who I say I am, then how am I finna walk around here with a lack of emotional integrity. Do I respect myself so little as to only allow myself to feel what is convenient? And I don’t have any biblical reason to back that behavior up, so I genuinely have no excuse.

‍

In the Word, people are lamenting and crying out to God literally from top to bottom. I’m no more a Christian by ignoring my problems or turning away from my emotions. I’m actually being a punk by not seeing them for what they are, the entire experience, and bringing the whole thing to the Cross. What I look like only bringing a small portion of my heart to God and being like “Bestie can you take care of this” and hiding the rest of it as if I’ll take care of it myself? How prideful is that?? To think that I can handle something that I know I can’t because it’s not a good look for me to struggle.

‍

The woman I am becoming has no room for dichotomous thinking. The life I live is too full-bodied, too rich, too varying to only see it one way or another. I will go through things. I will keep having highs and lows for the rest of my life. But I can sport my summer tan and face the cold winter ahead knowing that, though I may be uncomfortable for a while, baby, spring will come again. My faith is in the Lord, for everything not just no job.

‍

This is a larger reflection, though, on the idea that I don’t have to be one thing or the other. I can be both. I am encouraged that my future is bright and disappointed that some things haven’t gone my way. And the sooner I’m able to regularly hold both as an instinctive reaction to getting hit with both, the more resilient I can actually be.

‍

I just want to be more honest with myself. Like it’s okay if that baby cries. You can let that little baby cry and fuss that this job ain’t work out either and that relationship ain’t work out either and that friendship don’t feel secure and that issue you’ve been trying to fix keeps persisting and that person passed away and that loved one is struggling with their mental health. Baby, it’s okay to be disappointed, I just want you to be honest about it. Who you hiding from??? Who you fronting for??? What are you trying to prove and for what? Unfazed for what, huh? I ain’t saying run around in some sackcloth and ash, I’m just saying stop lying to yourself and to other people by half-telling the truth.

‍

When people ask you how you feel, you only say “It’s gonna be alright, I’m encouraged that God goin take care of it.” AND HE WILL. But that’s not the whole truth, now is it? “I’m disappointed because I really was hoping this would be the job that I make my first year at. But it’s gonna be alright, I’m encouraged that God goin take care of it.” That’s the truth, ain’t it?

‍

Let that baby cry, she just fell! But you gotta tell her she can’t stay down there. That’s the real gag. We hold our breath so that the babies don’t cry, but we stunting the full cycle. If that fall hurt, baby let it out. And then get up. Don’t be sitting there in pain, all hushed up. Let it out and then get up.

‍

Disappointment. Grief. Jealousy. All emotions that make you feel vulnerable and weak. But ain’t nothin’ weak about facing your reality as it is. You talking bout punkin out? That’s what happens when you try to deny what’s uncomfortable because you don’t want to talk about it or acknowledge it or investigate it. So you just goin feel jealous and not get to the bottom of it cuz it’s not a good look??? Like be fr right now.

‍

If you want to be honest, it starts with you and that baby Thalia on the inside that you’re trying so hard to protect. Everything ain’t rainbows all the time, you know that. You can’t be on the top of the mountain all the time. Sometimes it’s your turn for the valley and I need you to accept that. But just because you accept it does not mean that it is any less disappointing. I want to be able to feel disappointed and also encouraged without feeling like one has to take precedence over the other. Your God knows where you are and how you feel and sees each and every one of your tears. Who are you hiding from, really?

‍

So how we moving differently? We letting that baby fall, letting that baby cry, and telling that baby to get back up. We’re getting to a point where we can call a valley season what it is without bitterness, where we can see a cold winter ahead and be honest with ourselves about what that means. Yes, there is spring on the other side of this, but dang it is finna get cold.

‍

And then from there, we can get to the silver lining party. Can’t turn lemons into lemonade if you don’t acknowledge how sour they are in the first place.

‍

The woman I want to be is capable of seeing things for what they are. She lives according to her values and walks like she talks. The woman I want to be ain’t scared of being seen scared. The woman I want to be don’t pretend for nobody. She keeps it honest with everyone, but especially herself.

‍

Stop trying to act tough for people who don’t want nothin’ else but the real you. You hiding from the people closest to you so that you can keep up appearances. Stop holding stuff inside. Stop hiding from people. Stop being scary. Let them dang walls down. And not in a phony way, but be fr. When you’re hurt, say that. When you’re disappointed, say that. When you’re lacking, say that. You be so scared to call it what it is but what has fear done for you?

‍

That all stems from pride. Let that go. Get it off of you quickly. That pride goin get you caught up. Talking bout a cold winter? Baby it’s goin be bone chilling if you let pride lead the way. You better humble yourself and quickly. You better learn to tell the full truth to yourself. You better learn how to be honest with your loved ones. You better let that pride go and learn how to be weak in front of those who can support you. You better humble yourself before you go to the Throne asking for anything. You ain’t no big and bad solo dolo invincible superhero woman. In this matter, I hate to say it, but you are not who you think you are. And the faster that clicks for you, the faster you’ll realize that’s not who you should’ve been trying to be in the first place.

‍

Chile, everybody falls. That’s life sometimes. Let that baby cry.

‍

Thalia, 26, is doing her best every day!

‍